Relax, take a breath

“Relax, take a breath.”  That statement is the most condescending thing you can say to anyone.   In fact, the only person who is allowed to say this to you is your anesthesiologist.  He will say this right before you begin your journey into la-la land of peaceful sleep while your plastic surgeon works his magic on your post-baby body.  (Yet, the anesthesiologist is not allowed to go home and say those words to his wife!)

However, “Relax, take a breath” is exactly what I have just told myself.  I have had such a great time writing these blogs this past week.  I have been pouring the words from my brain faster than I am pouring ridiculously high priced gasoline into the tank of my SUV.  Although, that does not mean I need to bombard the world with my thoughts all at once.  I enjoy entertaining you with my thoughts and anecdotes so much so that I want to publish every word as fast as I can.  Yet, I also want you to want to read my blog.  I don’t want to overwhelm everyone – because that is very easy for me to do. ( Um, I think our buddy, Dr. Phil, might say I have an “overbearing personality.” I know, shocking.)

Let’s get back to YOU though.  And by YOU, I mean YOU reading MY blog.  Here’s the thing.  I used to subscribe to People magazine but had to cancel my subscription.  I did not cancel because I did not enjoy reading about Nicole’s morning sickness or Britney’s new tattoo.  I canceled the subscription because I got overwhelmed.   I could not find the time to read the magazine in the midst of everything I need to do during the week: carpool, laundry, homework, grocery shopping, French pedicures, Brazilian waxes, solving US budget deficit, mediate on going Israeli/Palestine tensions, help Obama pick his running mate ….  you get the idea. 

The magazines just kept coming.  I was barely through one week’s Star Tracks feature when a new issue arrived in my mailbox.  It was so stressful!  I love to read novels because they sit there patiently on your nightstand waiting for you to finish. In dealing with the never-ending deliveries of the magazine, I felt like Lucy with the conveyer belt of chocolate candies coming at me faster and faster.  I don’t want to do that with my blogs.  I want to offer you a little treat to enjoy without stress.

Here is my point, and yes I really am trying to just make ONE point here.  I am going to post a new blog on Sundays and hope that you find a little bit of time during the week to spend with my words.  Now, you can feel comfortable subscribing ( okay, I know, I am pushing a blog subscription on you like a multi-level marketing salesgirl ).  You will get one email a week letting you know I have posted a new blog – (okay, let’s be honest with each other,  it may be more than one email a week but I promise I will not try to sell you gimmicks claiming to make different body parts grow bigger!)  After you read it, please post a comment with your feelings, thoughts, agreement, disagreement, grandmother’s secret brownie recipe etc…

Excuse me, I must insert a note here to my 10th grade creative writing teacher from Miami Sunset:

“Yes, Mrs. Weinstein, I do see the irony.  I could not write an essay in your class to save my life but I just used 400 words to tell my reader that I am only going to be posting this once a week.  I get the irony and I am sorry for the grief I gave you because I HATED writing!”

Okay, I feel better, back to you, beautiful blog reader:

 Now I just want to share these final thoughts. 

One of you wonderfully talented bright & interesting readers wrote and asked, “Who is your audience”?  Here is my answer.  My audience is “ME”.  There are two parts to the “ME” answer.  One is that I am really writing this as a fun way to express my thoughts in a constructive manner and not bombard my darling girlfriends with excessive calls filled with stories I just need to tell  (like when I am so annoyed about the super plus tampax lady I referred to in my “invisibility cloak” blog).  So, I am writing for me. Everyone else reading this is just icing on the cake.  Amazing icing – like the fudge frosting on cheesecake factory Linda’s Fudge cake.  But truly, additional readership is really that, just icing on the cake!  I guess some people would be seeking fame as an ultimate goal.  However, I like my daily (yes pretty much daily) trips to Target, Publix and Starbucks way too much.  I would never want to be famous because those darn paparazzi would really be a nuisance when I am ordering my “tall non-fat latte, 3 splenda, no foam”.  Of course, that would be really cool if I got famous and that version would be called a “crazy redhead”. 

But I digress yet again….

The other answer is that when I say “ME” I mean “YOU”!   If you are reading this blog, you probably heard about it directly from me (so you are my relative or friend) or through someone just like me.  You can relate to me.  You can relate to what I have to say.  Like me, right now you are in front of a computer screen attempting to read this but, in the background you have children calling you for help with their homework or to help them figure out how to find the newest episode of Spongebob on the DVR – (at this very moment, you are trying to pretend you don’t know why it was erased from the list of shows when you really do know why it is gone.  Spongebob is gone because the DVR needed room to tape the new episode of Swingtown – oh, admit it, you are watching it too with the same questions I have:  Do people really do this?  Are there people I know “swinging”?  Does the infamous “swingers club” really exist in my neighborhood and if so, why hasn’t anyone invited me? I am just kidding – I think!)

I have to be really honest with you now though.  There are two things I am indeed seeking to gain by having a large readership of this blog:

• A lunch date with Kelly Ripa for my BFF and myself.  The three of us can compare tons of stories about our youngest children who are all crazy wonderfully entertaining and beautiful boys.  Though what I really want to know are intimate details about being married to that yummy, yummy man, Mark Consuelos.
•  And more importantly, front row seats for a taping of Saturday Night Live with my one true love (besides by husband of course), Rob Lowe, guest hosting.  (Note to Lorne Michaels – “If you can’t get Rob Lowe, I would still be thrilled with Michael Vartan.”)

And, of course, a coffee date with Oprah would be icing on the cake!

Have a great week and I will be back with more next Monday.  If you have not had a chance to read my other blogs, go grab your morning coffee and come back and visit with my blog a bit more.  I would love to hear your thoughts after you read “my father’s affair saved my marriage” or “my invisibility cloak”.  You can click the links on the right of the page to take you to the previous postings.

Thanks for reading!

updated note from CR on 6/30/08:  Those of you who know me will not be surprised by this.  I changed my mind.  I will alter my previous statement.  I will publish “at least” every Monday.  Yet, as you guessed, I just have too much I want to say to keep it only once a week.  So, forget everything you just read and check back with me tomorrow.  I will have a new one for you!