“I can still recall our last summer.”
I had to start with that because I have Mamma Mia music in my head. However, the summer I am thinking of was not last summer. It was 30 summers ago – wow, I don’t feel that old. During the summer of 1978, two wonderful things happened in my life. I saw the movie Grease in the theater for the very first time and I met my very first crush, Evan. (I usually change names at this point but I have previously mentioned him by name, so I might as well be honest about his identity here. Really, I would hope he is not going to sue me for slander for telling the world about my ridiculous crush from 30 years ago. There must be more embarrassing things in his life other than the fact that a crazy obsessed redhead was completely and utterly in love with him at the age of 9! I still can’t believe in an age of facebook, I don’t know where he is now.)
In any case, back to the crush. I would imagine most women remember their first crush.
Admit it, at this very moment, I know you are picturing your first head-over-heels-boy-crazy-crush.
Obviously, when I think of mine, he is in the form of a curly-dark-haired little boy who could move around that infamous Miami skating rink in his speed skates like nobody’s business. (The irony is that my youngest son looks very much like Evan did when I met him.) It is funny to remember how crazy I was about him at such a young age. And, at the same time, I cannot imagine my twelve-year-old daughter could possibly have such strong feelings for a boy right now in her young life – yet, I am sure she does.
So the crushes began with Evan and didn’t stop. Even now I can think of all the boys I was obsessed with from age 9 to 19. It was wonderful to grow up in the age before *69 and caller id. As young girls, we could call boys just to hear them answer the phone. Then, we would hang up as quickly as we could. If our crush did not answer the phone, we would gather our friends together and ride our bikes to where he lived, hoping to get a glimpse of him playing outside. And, if we didn’t see him then, we would count the minutes until we got to walk past him in the halls at school. Our parents could never have understood how our happiness consisted entirely on whether or not that adorable boy noticed us that day.
As a teenager, I was entirely consumed by my crushes. I am surprised I even had time to take my college SAT or fill out my application to the University of Florida. I had a great social life in high school but I was too busy worrying about whether “he” would ever like me to just relax and enjoy my teen years. It was crazy and ridiculous. I know not all girls take this to the extreme that I did. However, even if most women carry out their crushes in a healthier way, I still think a large part of the young female population is still obsessed with thoughts of some boy.
After many one-way crushes and a couple of serious relationships in college, I was fortunate to meet my husband at the young age of 23. I was immediately smitten with him. My days revolved around speaking to him, when I would see him again and wondering if he truly felt as strongly for me as I felt for him. Obviously, it worked out and we have been together for fifteen years and still counting.
But, here is the question. This is where I am a bit stumped. Like I mentioned, as a little girl all I ever wanted was a real life boy to “like” me, to hold my hand, to think I was special. I could not have imagined anything could ever be more important than boys.
Now I am a grown woman – well, at least I am a “Mam” according to the young bag boys at Publix – and I wonder when exactly that goal was put aside. As women, when does that change occur? How do we get from worshipping the ground he walks on to wanting to strangle him for dropping breadcrumbs on the ground he walks on? That is my big dilemma. I can still remember hearing Aaron Neville sing “Don’t take away my heaven” and getting goose bumps thinking of my relationship with my wonderful new boyfriend (now my husband). Currently, I think of our relationship when I hear the song “I’m a bitch” by Meredith Brooks.
Is this a well known but unspoken part of the transformation from woman to mother?
Is there an instant transformation that happens when we give birth to our children? Maybe this is an un-disclosed side effect of the drug Pitocin which is in our IV during delivery of our babies? Is it possible, the drug manufacturers don’t want us to know that after one small dose of Pitocin, we may suddenly have strange reactions to our husband’s behavior. There should be a warning pamphlet given to us
side effects of this drug include but are not limited to the following:
- wanting to scream at your husband for the smallest infraction such as leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor or putting the small forks in the spot where the big forks are supposed to go
- having a complete and utter full-blown-tantrum because your husband spilled out your Coke Zero Vanilla before you finished that last sip
- experiencing random and unexpected feelings of disgust for your husband because of the way he breathes, chews, walks, cuts his food (or for absolutely no reason at all)
- and in the most severe cases, being under the illusion that your husband is the only imperfect man in the universe and everyone else’s husband is not only perfect but also able to correctly load and unload a dishwasher
Or maybe it is not the Pitocin at all. Maybe it is just a gradual journey from point A (our hearts beating a little faster when we hear his voice on the other end the phone line) to point B ( being too engrossed in today’s Oprah to acknowledge he just came home from work). If we did a Mapquest for directions from point A to point B, these are just a few of the roads and highways we would have to travel.
- “I’ve been home with a sick kid all day while you get to go to work and be around other adults” Boulevard
- “I am so jealous you get to drive to work BY YOURSELF and listen to whatever Sirius station you want to in your car without having to worry about the lyrics on the songs” Avenue
- “Why don’t your parents want an active role in their grandkids’ lives?” Expressway (this road is also sometimes called “let’s just agree both sets of our parents are nuts” Expressway)
- “Don’t you think I am prettier than her?” Street
- “Why does your mother have a picture of your ex-girlfriend’s family on her mantel”? Court
- “I have had children climbing on top of me all day and now that it is nighttime and they are finally asleep, I just want to pass out” Interstate
There is good news though. As your kids get older, you have a chance to breathe and discover there are actually new roads being built that can get us back to point A. These are the roads I have discovered are currently under construction:
- “I really appreciate how hard he works so that I can have this wonderful life at home with my kids” Avenue
- “All it takes is for him to have a small health scare and you realize how much you appreciate him” Drive
- “He really is still that same adorable, sweet guy who treats me better than anyone ever has in my life” Court
- “It is a gift to live with your best friend whom you can trust to tell you the truth when you need to know if your jeans are truly too tight on your thighs” Boulevard
- “Stop complaining that he puts the kids clothes away in the wrong closets. You should be thankful he is doing laundry at all since most men don’t even know the difference between laundry detergent and dishwashing liquid” Overpass
- and, my favorite one, “He finally knows after so many years where we keep the extra toilet paper in the house” Expressway
I do think it is unfortunate the “boy craziness” is wasted on young girls. I would love to be able to recapture that obsession for just one moment since I now do have a living breathing man who likes me just as much as I like him. And yes, part of traveling the path from young girl, to wife to mother includes losing the butterflies we used to get just at the site of him. However, I have discovered, we get new gifts that are better and more meaningful than the butterflies. In the midst of traveling these bumpy roads, we get to enjoy so much more.
It is so corny and cliché but I have to say this. Joking aside, it is obvious that having kids re-directs some of our attention from our love for our husbands to taking care of our children. Yet, I cannot imagine you could find even one mom who would be willing to give up that experience.
In my case, I can tell you the following. There is no doubt the beautiful young girl and two adorable boys – who are right now waiting for me to finish this blog so we can go have an exciting day of lunch and bowling – are absolutely and completely worth every road I have to travel in my own journey.
Now, as I like to do lately, I ask you to tell me about the roads you have traveled so far in your relationships. Are you currently still at point A (like my newly married cousin) or point B (I will not say who I know is at point B but you know who you are)?
What roads have you been on to get you where you are?
Please share……
