because I knew you

Quickly, can you name a friend who was once very much a big part your life but is not anymore?  If so, I imagine the end of that friendship was not pretty, right?  Was it a bad breakup – and don’t kid yourself, friend breakups can be harder and more painful than romantic breakups?  Like most people do, do you harbor bad feelings about that former friend?  I used to.  However, at this point in my life, I have decided to look at those friendships as blessings no matter how toxic they were.

While it is common to have a friendship fizzle out at some point, unfortunately, I have had a few friendships that ended a bit more dramatically than a simple parting of ways.

For years, I would look back with anger when thinking of what they “did to me” in the friendship.  However, when I was able to realize I was accountable for at least some of the unpleasantness that occurred, I could make peace with the memory of the friendship.  That was the point in which I realized that my former friend had indeed given me a great gift. 

You also may realize each of these very crazy un-healthy friendships have brought something wonderful to your life.  Some gifts may have been small and others huge.  One friend may have turned you on to your daily non-fat-half-caff-mochachino fix.  Or, maybe she was the first one to introduce you to the song For Good from Wicked the Musical.  While another friend might have helped you learn things about yourself you never realized before.

One notable educational relationship drama took place my freshman year in college and featured Gus in the starring role  (as you may have guessed,  names have been changed to protect innocent).  It was overall just a platonic friendship but I fell for him the moment he walked up to me and said, “You have the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen in my life.” 

Please excuse this interruption to the original blog BUT, I must insert a mini-blog within the blog. 

mini blog:  the gay boyfriend

I had to pause the other blog discussion for one moment.  Are you thinking, “most heterosexual men do not attempt to pick up a woman by asking about hair products.”  Yes, Gus was the rite of passage most women have in their lives – the gay boyfriend.  When I met him, Gus was in the closet.  However, the doors to the closet were wide open and you could see his legs and feet sticking out behind the shirts.  I just chose to ignore what was right in front of me. 

Obviously, there is no judgment here that Gus indeed was and is gay.  I only wish I would have known that back then.  I have always felt like an idiot for not realizing that obvious minor detail.  Our friendship would have been much less stressful because we never would have “tried dating.”  If I had known then, we would probably still be as close as we were back then.  I should have known I was prancing into a Will & Grace scenario at “gorgeous hair”.  If not there, I should have definitely known when he introduced me to the music of The Cure, Morrisey, New Order and ABC.  When he taught me how to contour my cheeks with blush, I just accepted it was something all guys learned in modeling class (oh yeah, he was a model).  And lastly, when I saw him kissing another guy about 5 feet away from where I sat, I assumed my brain was just fuzzy from an evening filled with Boone’s Farm wine.  To fulfill my fantasy of denial, I decided I must have hallucinated that event.

In any case, I spent almost a year trying to be “just friends” while trying to squash my romantic  feelings for him.  Looking back to those college days, I realize no matter how hard I may have tried, without the Y chromosome in my DNA, there was nothing I could have done to make him fall for me as hard as I fell for him.

I write about Gus because I know most women can relate to this.  If you poll random women on the street,  I am willing to bet a very large percentage of women have a gay boyfriend in their past.  I am also confident that looking back the woman is kicking herself for not realizing she could never ever, no matter how hard she tried, no matter how beautiful or charming or skinny she was, she could never have made him fall for her the way she fell for him.

now back to our original blog already in progress

Unfortunately,  Gus and I had an ugly falling out.  We stopped being friends when I started dating my first “real boyfriend” – a real-live heterosexual man (can I call him a man if he was only 21 years old).  For years, I had such bad feelings about my “friend breakup” with Gus.  With time, memories of the bad stuff faded away and the good memories are what appeared at the surface.  I was able to see that Gus helped me come out of my shell for the first time in my life.  He helped me transform myself in so many ways.  He introduced me to great music and expanded my cultural palette.  We had such amazing times cruising around town together.  He and I went “clubbing” on South Beach before the editors of People magazine even knew Ocean Drive existed.

Going back to the hair comment (which by the way, is really the first thing he ever said to me).  He helped me let go of being an awkward little redhead girl and pointed me in the direction of enjoying my uniqueness. It was Gus who opened the door for me to enjoy being a redhead. In addition to everything else he may have brought to my life, I have to thank him mostly for that. (Before Gus, I spent my days longing for two things:  Rob Lowe and Marcia Brady stick straight blonde hair.  Currently, I spend my days longing for three things:  Rob Lowe, Marcia Cross stick straight red hair and peace in my  house.)

As one more example, I have to mention my former friend Hedy.  You can guess – her name is not really Hedy.  However, that is the name of Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character in the movie Single White Female.  My husband always referred to her as single white female because he is convinced the screenplay is based on her life – Hedy even became a redhead at one point in our friendship.  Yes, I know you are thinking, “Wow, she has some pretty bad taste in friends.”  Really, I don’t – I was just a bit too forgiving.

In the past, I would force myself to overlook really big huge ginormous flaws in people in the name of acceptance.  Now I realize acceptance is only supposed to go so far.  It took me quite a few years to realize  acceptance is about “getting over it” when a girlfriend forgets to call you on your birthday because she is dealing with her own plate full of issues on that day.  Now I know, acceptance is not about “getting over it” when you discover your girlfriend planned a night out with the girls “on your birthday” and “forgot” to invite you to go out with the girls!  That is pretty much the kind of monkey business I dealt with for a few years with Hedy.  Without going into boring long drawn out details, I will just say that Hedy attempted to sabotage my life in a manner which would make Erica Kane proud!

I admit I was relieved when the Hedy years had passed and she moved away and was completely out of my life.  At that point, I was able to be thankful for having her in my life.   When she was not pre-occupied with schemes to break up my marriage, she was actually a really fun girl to be around.  She was witty and clever and well read.  She helped me discover the witty and clever parts of my personality even if I am not as well read. (Can I consider myself well read if I have indeed read all of Jennifer Weiner’s books as well as Candace Bushnell’s collection? ) Seriously though, it was a very difficult relationship but I am still able to see what she did bring to the table. 

Maybe Hedy was the biggest lesson of all.  If someone that incredibly toxic in my life was able to leave a positive mark, then it should be easy to find the benefits to other relationships gone awry.  It definitely makes life lighter and more fun to let go of the anger we hold towards the people who we think have “done us wrong.”  So, instead I offer you another option.  Find that one good thing that person brought to your life and put the rest of the file in the trash on your mental hard-drive.

I do have to confess I am still trying to figure out what positive lessons my first college roommate was supposed to bring into my life.  That is one that even has me stumped!