circle of friends

I always hear women in their 40s and beyond state how great it is to get older. When I hear this, I am cynical. You see, I have women all around me fighting the aging process with a mixture of eating healthy, Pilates, botox, Restylane, plastic surgery, Mona vie, etc..…   So, I wonder, “How great can it really be to look into the mirror and start to see your mother looking back at you?”

Then I realized I needed to take a step back and really think about what getting older means to me.

I can just say that “take a step back” should be my motto in life. Whenever, I am able to take that step back and look at things a bit clearer, life is much more enjoyable. Sometimes it is as simple as taking a step back from the negative behavior my child is engaging in. In this situation, I take a deep breath, count to a billion, look around the aisle at Target and realize my child is actually one of many children having a tantrum because he does not understand why he cannot have the newest Hot Wheels set this very minute. You see, by taking that step back, I realize this crazy moment is very temporary. This is just five minutes out of the day in which I want to send him on the next shuttle to outer space. I am then able to acknowledge that the majority of the time, I really enjoy him as well as the rest of my crew and I feel blessed to have such amazing kids. Other times I have had to step back and take a good look at my life and realize I need to let little things go.

In any case, taking that step back and forgetting about the vanity all women have about our appearance, I realize how much I love getting older. Although I still am about five seasons shy of 40 years old, I am starting to really embrace the idea of being older. I finally feel like a real adult – well, most of the time.
I am encountering many great things about being older and looking at life from a more emotionally mature perspective. For me, one of the most satisfying is finally gaining the ability to de-clutter my relationships with other women. I have been able to get to a point in which I rarely waste my time with friendships that drag me down emotionally. In doing this, I have been able to focus on the wonderful women I do have surrounding me.
I am thankful for my circle of amazing girlfriends.
I have written quite a few blogs, which talk about the not-so-wonderful women I come across in my daily life. Now it is time to mention the positive women in my life.
I am incredibly blessed. I have spent years and years weeding through friendships, which were not always very healthy. In the past, I was determined to give certain undeserving women a chance (and another and another). Somehow, I have finally landed in the midst of a wonderful group of women. Now, don’t get me wrong, we all have our “things”. Starting with myself, we all have at least half a dozen strange little idiosyncrasies that could drive anyone crazy. (I am so tempted to give examples. However, if I do even list a few of the nutty things my girlfriends do, I will spend the next week responding to email inquiries from my friends asking “were you talking about me?”)
As I get older and my kids get older, there are so many things we have to do and there is a lot less time for the things we want to do. I have to prioritize my time in order to get everything done and I am less tolerant of things that waste my time. In my younger years, I was very guilty of spending too much time worrying about the social drama (“she said I did this”, “this one said this about you” etc…). I thought it would just stop on its own. I thought women would get to an age in which the junior high cattiness would end and everyone would just grow up. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Recently, I came to the conclusion that there are probably women in retirement homes sitting in wheelchairs, attached to their oxygen tanks that still manage to blackball other women from the newest Mah Jong group.
So I knew it was up to me to stop it in my life. I am done. I am done with the nonsense of some (not all) women. I am done with women who want to bring others down. It does not make sense to me. Some women act as if it is a “zero sum game”. What I mean by this is that I often think that some women feel if you are going to be happy, it will take away from their happiness. On the other extreme, there are the women who swarm to women to try to feed off their lives. By this, I mean the phenomenon in which women want to be friends with someone because of how much money her husband makes, how expensive her clothes are or how big her house may be. This is the funniest one in my opinion. Unless your friend is going to lend you her designer clothes or throw your child’s B’nai Mitzvah in her backyard, why do you care what she has?
Okay, I need to stop myself from the negative rant. The point I am making is that I used to accept these things in other women and try to still maintain a friendship.  Thankfully, I have come to this conclusion.

Life it too short to have bitchy friends.

Yes, I know we have so many other things to worry about in our lives that to some this may seem trivial. It is not for me. It is just another piece in the puzzle. In the midst of all the chaos in my life, it is important to know I have a network of wonderful women who support me in different ways.   It may be as simple as a friend to keep me company at the gym or help me pick out a new color for my walls. On another day, I may need a friend to help me get through a crisis. No matter what it may be, I can count on my girlfriends.
So that is my new way of approaching friendships. Of course, I can still be tolerant of the silly stuff. I know none of us are perfect. Yet, I have decided to set my boundaries and stick to them. I encourage you to do the same.

De-clutter your emotional life.

I am encouraging you to take your own step back and look at all the wonderful girlfriends you have in your life. Be thankful for the ones you have which are solid, healthy friendships. Then, take another moment to ask yourself if there is anyone in your life who needs to be let go. It does not have to be drastic. It could be a slow and gradual parting. However, if you find you have allowed someone into your life who is somehow draining you, maybe it is time to say goodbye. Don’t allow someone to bring foolish negative energy into your life. In an ideal world, we could sit down with this person and put it all on the table and hope to work things out and keep the friendship. However, here on Earth, I do not believe that is really an option if the overall friendship not a healthy one. It may be best to cut your losses.
I have found there are too many good people in the world to waste time with the bad ones!

Now go write an email telling one of your dearest friends how much you appreciate her!  And, the next time the “drainer” friend calls, let the machine pick up.
Have a great weekend.