the not so super hero:Mid Life Crisis Man (aka mid-life rumspringa)

Warning: this particular blog entry contains many gender generalizations and may not be appropriate for males ages 35-105.

Recently I met an older successful man and his much younger “trophy wife”. Before I get going, I want to know, who decides she is a trophy and not a battle scar?

All too often we witness this scenario as men experience the somewhat inevitable mid-life crisis. Mid-Life Crisis Man (who will be referred to as MLCM for this blog) initially begins noticing his friends are looking older and some are even developing middle age ailments. Then, he looks in the mirror and sees a few more grey hairs than the day before. Before he knows it, he starts to realize he is facing his own mortality. Both men and women experience this phenomenon. However, in general women react very differently. Women often use this “mid-life awakening” as a wake up call to take a good look within and in the mirror. She decides to take steps to start to take better care of herself. A woman will call her friend to commiserate about the aging process, join a gym, find a new hair stylist, go to Mac and buy a new lipstick color and call it a day.

On the other end of the gender spectrum, many, not all but many men look outside themselves for a means to feel young again. So, MLCM begins to seek his own personal fountain of youth by adding excitement to his life. Some men, opt for the standard issue sports car. Other (and in my opinion more civilized) men decide to reach new physical goals such as running a marathon, competing in a triathlon or doing a 100-mile bike race throughout a small European country. MLCM takes the cliché route – the easier, quicker, drive-through option.

MLCM finds a new woman. Compared to his current wife who is middle-aged like himself, the new woman will Be More Beautiful Of course. (for ease of storytelling, we will refer to the new woman as BMBO). He falsely believes the best way EXCITEMENT can be found is by having a new much younger woman in his life. Of course BMBO is more exciting than the woman he has shared a bed with for 20 years. New is always exciting because it is unknown. BMBO most likely does not have children or anyone she needs to take care of other than herself. BMBO is able to focus all her energy and attention on MLCM. BMBO does not need to ask MLCM if he remembered to call the insurance adjuster about the water damage from last week’s storm. She does not expect him to know how to load a dishwasher. She certainly does not ask him to put away the laundry. BMBO is a vacation.

On top of everything, MLCM thinks to himself,

“WOW, with BMBO on my arm, I am the envy of all the guys in my poker group.”

This, my friends, is up for debate. I have seen this situation a few times in my life and have a different opinion. I have heard the conversations between other men in discussing MLCM’s new BMBO. They may pat him on the back and say “good going man.” However, amongst the civilized crowd, the talk is very different. I have heard much more, “is he out of his mind?” talk from other men. Forgive me for being crude but pretty much the consensus seems to be,

“There are women you sleep with and women you have relationships with.” (Okay, I gave you the PG-13 version of what the statement really is. I just couldn’t be that crude and say the real saying.)

My parents did not raise a fool. I am not a dummy. It is possible the men I know are just saying that about BMBO to impress me and sound civilized. (It is pretty much a given that I fall into the latter group as do the many women I am fortunate to have in my life. Don’t get me wrong. Just because we are the women men marry, we can still be attractive. All my friends are beautiful and many of us even have the same brand of implants as women in the other group.)

Back to my point. Even though all my friends’ husbands claim they think MLCM is an idiot for giving up his current life to jump into bed with a former playmate, they could be full of it. It is possible that these men are fooling me. Maybe they all are throwing victory parties for the men who find themselves a “trophy”. It could be a whole secret society only known to women with IQs below …… again, I am trying so hard not to be catty in this blog but it is hard.

Here is where the larger problem lies. After MLCM has had his period of excitement with his former playmate, even she will become routine. BMBO is eventually going to want him to call the insurance adjuster, empty the dishwasher and put away his laundry. Once the newness with her wears off, he is back to where he started. He discovers that women who are “hot” can be just as big of nags as any other woman. So, he gets off the rollercoaster ride of excitement he experienced with the BMBO, he looks at her and realizes, he is in the same place he was with his wife. Only now, that rollercoaster has left a path of destruction, which not only affected him but also hurt many other people in his life.

The big question.

Was it really worth it? Was the sex that great? Was BMBO really that wild and exciting in bed that it was worth destroying many people’s lives in the process? I will go out on a limb (because I am not a middle-aged man and have only witnessed this as a third party) and make my assumption. One type of MLCM will acknowledge it is a mistake. I would compare it to eating an entire Toojay’s Killer Chocolate cake. It would be great while you were doing it but afterwards you are going to spend a lot of time paying for that small burst of enjoyment. You will definitely question if it was worth it. However, there is another type of MLCM who will never see it as anything but his time to enjoy life. He spent the earlier years helping everyone else out and now this is “his turn”. He was entitled to do something completely for himself. MLCM never acknowledges his time with BMBO was not only about him. He never is able to see how it affected those around him. He may slightly acknowledge the hurt he caused his former wife. However, he feels it is owed to him because he feels he gave her many great years prior to his adventure with the BMBO. He will never acknowledge his adventure affected his children as he feels it was only between him and his wife. Human beings have a tremendous capacity for rationalization when they want something.

There is another theory though. Maybe this type of MLCM does know deep down what a huge colossal mistake he made. Possibly deep down he knows that it was an enormous misstep. He knows if he ever dared to acknowledge the destruction he brought into his life and that of the people he does love, he could not cope with living with this. So he denies it even to himself in order to protect his psyche from the pain.

Yeah right. Who am I kidding? He is still so hypnotized by the BMBO’s sexual abilities, he is not thinking of much else. This can be summed up with a quote from one of my favorite comedians, Robin Williams. He says this, “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Moving on. I am a big believer that you do not complain about something without offering a solution. I offer you a possibility ( and it is only slightly tongue-in-cheek).

Let’s offer husbands a “mid life rumspringa”

In case you don’t know what a rumspringa is, here is a quick explanation.

Rumspringa: (Pennsylvania Dutch translation “running around”) is an Amish rite of passage, which begins at age 16. Amish teens are given a year to explore the modern world before they decide whether or not to commit themselves to the Amish life or leave it for the freedom of modern life.

Maybe that is all a man really needs – a little time off to clear his head and realize how great he has it at home. So, let’s do it. Let’s give him a year to run around. Give hubby a year to explore the single world before he decides whether to commit the second half of his life to being married. He can sow his middle-aged oats. Get it out of his system. Set him off with a big kiss, a suitcase and a case of condoms. You can give him a comprehensive STD check at the end of the year. At the conclusion of his rumspringa, if he chooses to, let him come back home and keep your fingers crossed he learned some new tricks during his year off. If he decides not to come back, don’t worry, the private investigator you hired to track him during his rumspringa has some great pictures for your divorce attorney to use at trial. You will get a kick-butt settlement.

To be fair, all of us wives get to have a pretty amazing year as well. We will get to do anything we want that year. Oh, I can quickly make my list of what my year will include:

• One weekend a month, I will take a girls’ trip to either NYC or Canyon Ranch Spa
• I will complete all the house decorating I have been putting off because “now is not a good time” to do those things
• My toilet seat will stay down for an entire year
• There will be no Cuban-bread crumbs to clean up from the counter or kitchen floor all year
• I can wake up in the middle of the night and turn on the lights and watch anything I want on TV as loud as I want without worrying about waking up my husband
• No football, basketball or any sports games will be screened in my home all year
• I will only go to restaurants I want to go to and see movies I want to see
• All my conversations with my husband will be over the phone, which is great because he communicates better via phone than in person
• Not even a mention of in-laws for an entire year
• Most importantly, of course, a couple fun rendezvous for myself as well – I have already made my list and I think Rob Lowe is going to be single after his sexual harassment suit goes to trial. Mr. Lowe, call me. (If Rob Lowe cannot fulfill his duties, I will be taking applications for the position)

Wow, I could go on and on. This is starting to feel like a really great idea. I am going to have to work out the kinks before I present this to my husband. If he takes the kids for the weekends, I think I will even offer to find the first BMBO for him myself. Any takers? My husband is cute, smart and funny.

Whatever your thoughts are on this, I want to hear them. Would you go for this? What would your year include? What rules if any would we have to give our husbands (such as, who is off limits)?

Let’s hear it girls. Leave your comments openly or anonymously.