I can’t speak for all women but the ones I know are not wallflowers. We know what we want. We usually know how to get it – with a smile. And, when backed against a wall, we know how to demand what we need. Whether it is for ourselves, our children, or anyone for that matter, we will fight for what we think is right.
How is it then, we very often let ourselves get pushed around? Why do we completely and totally “wimp out” in minor situations?
You know what I mean. How many times have we caved in to sales pressure and purchased something we really did not want because we did not want to say “NO” to some anonymous salesperson? This is nothing new for me. I remember this occurring while clothes shopping during my high school days. I would try something on at the Limited and come out of the dressing room to check the three-way mirror. No matter what it was or how awful it looked, the salesgirl would always say,
“Oh…. my…. Gawd, like, that looks amazing on you. That oversized peach sweater is perfect for your pale complexion and shocking red hair! And, yes, it is a great idea to add more fabric over your hips, because, like, more material is definitely slimming!” (Honestly, we are talking about late 1980s – everything looked awful. Although, I still wish I had held on to some of my overpriced, oversized “NO” sweaters with the big “NO” buttons. Does anyone remember those?)
After being strong-armed by the mature 19-year-old salesgirl, I would take that oversized peach sweater right up to that register and buy it because “she” said I should.
Or, how about years later when I was a total pushover while shopping for make-up at Saks in Bal Harbour. I happened to be there during a “big event” in which “famous” make-up artists were offering “free” makeovers. So, this really nice (pushy) make-up artist (salesperson who is good at applying lipstick) offers to show me some tricks (ways to use as many products as possible to create the “natural” look).
Before I know it, I am swept into a tall black chair while “Violet” begins to wipe away all evidence of the “hideous make-up” I applied this morning. Now, I am sitting there thinking, “my new husband is going to kill me because I am now going to make us late to meet his cousin and his cousin’s wife for dinner not to mention spend about a hundred unnecessary dollars on make-up I really don’t need.” - This was circa 1995, I only had a cellular phone in my car, not portable, so I could not call him from the make-up chair to say I would be late. In fact, he only had a beeper at that time. A time when having a beeper in Miami did not mean you were a drug dealer. Oh, I digress yet again.
So, back to the chair at the Trish McEvoy counter. As the “artist”, Violet, is applying eight different shades of eye shadow and showing me how it just looks like one great color (um, why doesn’t Violet just sell me the “one great color” instead of eight separate ones?), I am mentally calculating how many products she is going to try to get me to buy. She finally finishes and I am thinking, “okay, I guess I could use some new shadows, some new lipsticks, liners, foundation, mascara, aaaaaahhhhh!”.
Okay, I had convinced myself I am worth it. These are the thoughts running through my head,
“I am a newly married woman, and it wouldn’t kill me to update my look with new make-up. I deserve this. I work too. I should not worry about spending money on myself. I have unique coloring and isn’t it great I happened to be here when this very talented Trish McEvoy artist could take the time to help me?
We are walking to the register and her hands are full of quite a few boxes. Oh, wait, she is taking out brushes too. I have to buy new brushes? Aren’t good brushes really expensive? She is saying something about needing good brushes. No, no, no, more and more brushes are being put on the counter. How can I say no to Violet when she has just spent an hour doing my make-up? She is ringing it up and I don’t think it will be that bad.”
$576.52
$576.52!!!!! That is a car payment. (This was before I had kids or I would have been thinking – a month of preschool, 27 cases of diapers, 180 bottles of formula, 576 hot wheels cars, 576 slurpees, 190 happy meals toys with the new star wars characters, 198 pairs of earrings for my tween daughter at Claire’s, an entire Wii system with all the games and accessories your heart desires…)
So, girls. Guess what I did. I stood up straight, looked her in the eye and said, “No…… I will not be putting this on my Saks card today, I will be using American Express.”
Yes, I completely wimped out. I signed the slip, took my bag and rushed to my car to meet my husband for dinner. I was totally freaking out that I just spent all that money on MAKE-UP!!!! The end of the story is pretty predictable – I returned most of it the next week. I took it back to a different Saks location because of course, I could not face the people at the Bal Harbour counter.
Over the years, it has become one of those funny stories between my husband and I. Oh, my husband’s favorite part of the story is that Violet’s sales pitch focused very much on highlighting an important fact about Trish McEvoy. Her husband is a dermatologist. Therefore, she MUST know so much about make-up and skincare products. So, that means that my girlfriend whose husband is a dentist will soon be coming out with her own line of dental floss.
Looking back at what I call the “Trish incident”, what I don’t find humorous is how I and many other women react in these situations. Why do we have such difficulty just saying “NO”?
As you have guessed from my previous entries, I don’t have a hard time speaking my mind. Yet, like many women, I find myself in these situations every once in a while. We may be strong, outspoken, confident women in many ways but we still often give in to stupid insignificant things because we don’t want to say “NO”. Sometimes it is buying something we really don’t want to buy. Other times, it is being pushed into doing something to please an outsider at a huge inconvenience to our families and ourselves.
We accept a dinner invitation even though we know our husband will be dreading going out with that particular couple because the husband is a complete show-off. We agree to a play date for our child with little Johnny even when we know our child does not like playing with Johnny – because Johnny is a biter! Or, we are pressured into joining a committee, which we don’t have the time for.
Don’t get me wrong.
Don’t read this and walk away with the impression that I believe in living a life of complete selfishness.
Please know, I am more than willing to go out of my way for a good cause. I am happy to be doing things for others. Really, ask my close friends, I am a very giving person (just don’t ask me to give you the last piece of my smart pop kettle corn because if I am going to count the calories for a full 100 calorie bag, I am not giving up one kernel!). I believe in spreading good deeds in the world and I teach my children to do the same. I am not advocating selfishness. Yes, there are always times when it is right to give in and do things we don’t necessarily want to do. Yes, yes, yes, I do believe those fortunate to be blessed in our lives have a duty to help those less fortunate. That is a completely different topic.
I would expand on my thoughts of helping others but it could possibly lead into a political discussion. I have vowed to keep my mouth shut until after November 4. No matter what I want to say about McCain, Obama & Sarah Palin, I will not. Okay, I will just say one thing. Did anyone watch the short-lived Geena Davis show, “Commander in Chief”? The premise of the show reminds me so much of what is happening now with the election and the possibility of having McCain/Palin in office in 2009. I will not go into it because I promised not to be political here. Just look it up.
Back to the superficial – because we get enough politics as it is.
My point is this. I am continually shocked at how hard it is to say “NO”. I think we should all work on thinking twice before agreeing to something for the sake of pleasing someone else. Usually the person you are worried about pleasing is not really concerned about how it affects you. In cases like the pushy make-up artist or the salesgirl at Anthropologie, that is pretty straightforward. It is much better to feel uncomfortable for about a millisecond because you said no to a salesgirl than to waste money on something you don’t really need or want.
However, when it comes to helping out our friends or organizations we care about, it is a little trickier. While we do want to help our friends whenever we can or whenever they need it, sometimes it can get in the way of our own family priorities. In these cases, you really have to consider saying, NO, if it is going to negatively impact your family.
Since I love math, I use math to figure this one out. My theory is a “greater than / less than” theory (I loved those little alligator signs I learned in first grade). Here is the how I process the “favor”. If the amount you are helping your friend exceeds the inconvenience it causes your family, then go for it. Say yes and feel good about it.
However, if doing something for someone else has a greater negative effect on you or your family, it really is okay to smile politely and just say, “ I am so sorry I am not able to drive across town to take your child home for you because your Tivo is broken and you don’t want to miss today’s Oprah.”
Now that we have covered saying “NO” when we should, someone needs to tell me how to stand up to hairstylists. Does anyone else chicken out when you know you should ask how much the cut and style is going to be before he begins? Is there any other business transaction in your life in which you receive a product without agreeing to the price or even know the price ahead of time? Can you imagine eating a meal at a restaurant before you know the price and then just paying whatever price the server decides to charge you? Men don’t have this problem because they post the prices on a board at Supercuts!
