I am not always nice but I am a GOOD PERSON damn it!

Let me back up and explain my title – though it is going to be a long and winding road to get there.

My husband and I were having one of our deep mini-chats.  I am sure you have them with your husband as well.  You are in the car driving back from somewhere with the kids or maybe in the midst of making lunches and for a few unexplainable moments, you actually have peace.  Everyone is playing his or her own DS or watching a movie and there is a priceless opportunity to talk about something without being interrupted by your children.  So, of course, what do you choose to talk about, your children.

Also, our talks are just a whole bunch of validating each other’s beliefs.   Unless we are debating what is the best way to spend money (put it away in a tax-deferred retirement account v. booking a vacation for spring break), we are usually in agreement of each other’s beliefs.

Back to our conversation, which by the way took place last night on the way back from a bizarre night at the Monster Jam Truck show.  Oh, that was quite an experience. And now, even though I am already going so off topic, I do have to tell you a little about the monster jam in case you also have a child obsessed with trucks.

One of my goals as a mom is to introduce as much culture to my children as possible.  I want them to be exposed to different types of people, cultures, art and experiences.

Hopefully, that explains a bit about how we spent this recent Saturday.  We started the day early in the morning at a 5k race on Park Avenue – don’t get too excited, it was Park Avenue, Winter Park, not Park Avenue, Manhattan.  And of course, we then concluded our evening driving past a nightclub featuring the “real” Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland and Cher.  Not to mention, the nightclub has a hotel attached which of course is located in the rear of the building.

In between these two very diverse adventures, we went to a great little Vietnamese restaurant for dinner.  During our meal, my six year old, who loves music, picked up on the lyrics to a Vietnamese ballad playing in the background.  The song we heard is most likely the number one hit being played at the hottest clubs in downtown Ho Chi Minh and has deep meaning.   However, to my little self crowned guitar hero champion, the lyrics sounded like “Bain Chicken Bayou”.  We loved the song but I am not sure the DJ for my daughter’s upcoming Bat Mitzvah will have that tune in his collection.

Okay, so back to the monster jam.  We found our way downtown to the complex where the big event was being held.  Even though it is in a very seedy area, I felt somewhat safe as our local city’s police department had an obvious presence on every corner.  We made our way the half-mile from our parking lot to the complex and encountered a very drunk crowd waiting to see the Grave Digger win the Free Styling competition.  Who knew that Monster Truck competitions are as fixed as a wrestling match?  So while, this is not exactly what I have in mind when I imagine exposing my children to a “cultured” upbringing – I am thinking more along the lines of Broadway plays, exotic cuisines and witnessing the beauty of the Sistine Chapel firsthand – who am I to say learning about one type of culture is more important than another.

There may not have been many Obama/Biden bumper stickers in the tailgating parking lot of the Monster Jam last night.  However, my children have now experienced first hand what Billy Ray Cyrus is referring to when he sings his new hit, “I want my mullet back.”

I will go back to the original topic now – I promise.

My husband and I have about 3 minutes of quiet time to talk.  When this miraculous thing happens, we know time is limited so we skip the beginning of the conversation and jump back into a conversation we may have paused a few days ago.  Imagine our conversational style is very much like Tivo.  Just as I can jump right back into the Lost episode I paused and immediately recall what happened a second ago to Jack and Kate, my husband will jump right back into a conversation we paused moments, hours, days ago… 

So now, unpause. 

We discuss a bit about a big school decision we have to make concerning our oldest child entering middle school next year.  We speak in bullet points.

·    ABC school offers this advantage

·    ABC school has a great drama department

·    XYZ school is very structured and organized

·    ABC school only hires women post-menopause so that no teacher will ever leave in the middle of the year due to pregnancy

·    XYZ academy is really close to that great Vietnamese restaurant we went to this evening. It would be convenient to get take-out if she goes to school there – just kidding – well, kind of.

 

And next as usual, our conversation skips into an affirmation we continually say to each other.  Seriously, we tell each other this in almost the exact wording every other day. 

“I just realize as the kids are getting older, it all comes from the parents.  If the parents are nice the children are nice.”

This is so true.

Of course, the nicest people in the world can have a child who goes through a horrible monster stage during the young preschool years.  However, in most cases, the child eventually works his way out of that ugly phase and becomes a good person if he is seeing a good example at home. (Oh, please, dear God, please let this be true…).

In general though, when you meet real jerks, chances are their kids are going to grow up to be jerks.  I already see it around me.  I witness the bullying.  I see bullying at the local park, which is just a younger version of what the adults are doing.  The adults who enjoy excluding other adults and making themselves feel important with their “exclusive groups” raise children who see nothing wrong with discussing their upcoming birthday party plans in front of kids who are not invited.  Really, how many times have you been somewhere in which a group of women start discussing their girls’ night out plans in front of you when you are clearly not part of the plan?  Isn’t this exactly what most of us teach our kids NOT to do.  My children’s school does not allow invites to go home through backpack mail unless every child in the class is invited to the party.  Wouldn’t it be great if all adults followed the example being set in my kindergartner’s classroom?

If God was to write a Ten Commandments of setting a good example for our children, one of the top 5 would surely state the following:
Thou Shall not discuss social plans in front of thy neighbor if thy neighbor is not invited to thou barbeque.

Indeed, if the parents are nice, the children are nice.  We have established a pattern.  Then as a possible deviation in the formula, my husband mentions a family we used to know when we lived in India.  (Okay, I confess, we never lived in India but it is easier than making something else up to keep from offending someone) He said, “what about (insert fictional last name here) they are nice people and their child is not nice.”

That is when it hits me.

Do we really think they are nice or is that just something we say.  Sometimes saying “someone is nice” is just something to say.  I thought of how I usually ask my close girlfriend, “How was the Bar Mitzvah?” after she attends the service.  What do I expect her to say?  Do I think she will say, “Little Schmuely was a bit pitchy when he performed his Half-Torah.”  She will say, “He did great. It was nice.”

What is nice?  Why do we say a woman is “nice”?  What is the definition?  I think of the women I know who people would consider to be “nice”.  Do you know why people think they are nice?  They never say anything that could possibly offend anyone.  That means they never take a position.  They are not MSNBC, they are not FOX, they are CNN.  They are the Kelly Ripa of your social group (yes, I love Kelly and hope to have a lunch date with her one day but she is exactly what I mean by NICE).  “Nice people” keep their mouths and their opinions to themselves.  We never really get to know them because they never tell you how they really feel.  But yes, they are indeed nice.  Of course that is a positive quality but wouldn’t it be better to call these women what they really are – diplomatic.  It just doesn’t sound the same.  “Have you met Jane?  You will love her.  She is so diplomatic.”

Speaking of nice….There is a woman I have become friends with via facebook.

Okay, the facebook world is another funny experience in my life.

Isn’t facebook supposed to be a way to keep in touch with friends we already have?

Checking in on facebook is my way of knowing what is going on in the lives of everyone I know.  I can see what is going on during the week with my BFF who lives six miles away, my sister, old college sorority sisters or even with acquaintances I have not seen since we were in Girl Scout’s together.  Facebook has changed our lives in so many ways but one of the most interesting is the way we have not just managed to stay in touch but to learn so much more about each other.  There are women I walked passed in the preschool hallways for years that I never realized were so interesting.

In any case, I have made some new friends on facebook and have fun learning about these women via their updates, postings and of course pictures of their weekend activities.  There are many women like me whose pictures usually feature their children, husbands or pets.  And of course, there are the other pictures, which make me feel very unbelievably boring!  (Though even when I see pictures my contemporaries have posted featuring themselves having a fun night out on the town, I am happy to be looking at them while wearing my comfy pjs from the comfort of my home while my kids are sound asleep in the next room at 9 pm on a Saturday night.)

In the midst of all this updating, posting, poking and tagging, I have met a few new friends through our “mutual friend” lists.  I have also connected with women I only knew in passing in college.  Don’t they say, the more you learn about other people, the more you learn about yourself?  Well, maybe just I say that but I have heard it somewhere even if only in my own head. 
Oh yeah, I had a point here before I went off on a mini facebook rant.  And that was a really mini one.  I have so much more to say about my facebook experience.  So much comedic material there…

Yes, I met a new friend.

While it may sound funny to tell you she and I have never spoken in person, I can tell I really like her from what I know about her from her updates and posts.  She appears to be interesting, intelligent and funny.  I get the impression she is a lot like me – someone who may be able to pull off a brunch for 40 people at the drop of a hat, yet not find the 5 minutes time needed to make my own bed or get the jeans I wore last night all the way from my closet floor to my laundry room.  Overall, she seems as if she is a very similar minded mom as I am.  She recently wrote a bit about herself and said she “always wished she were the type of person which people would say ‘she is nice’”.

The point is, since I already identify with my facebook friend, her statement hit home a bit.  I too have wanted to be known as nice.

Now I realize how empty that comment really can be.

A woman can be a really good person, live an honest life, do many things to help others, raise children with great values.  However, if that same person speaks her mind a little too often, she is no longer nice.

Maybe nice just isn’t all it is cracked up to be.

Vanilla ice cream is nice but I have always preferred Coffee Almond Fudge!