My day with Oprah, part 2

In order for you to get the full effect of this and for it to be as amusing, funny, intelligent and interesting as I hope you will find it, PLEASE READ my Oprah – Part 1 first.  Click this link for Oprah part 1 - 

 

Ladies, before I begin, I need to explain.  It was not my intention to end my last entry as a cliffhanger.  I was not attempting my own version of “Who shot JR?” or “Ross says the wrong name” or “What’s in the hatch?”  I really was just tired.

I wrote my prior blog in an attempt to update my friends about my visit to Chicago.  However, my explanation became – surprise – TOO LONG!  Imagine that!  Is it really out of character for me to take a short story and turn it into a crazy redhead version of War and Peace?

Nope, I think it is pretty much too be expected.

Here is the rest of the story.

 Spoiler alert:  Many of you who read part 1 of my Oprah story are hoping this part culminates in an exciting “brush with fame” story.

Maybe something along these lines:

My BFF and I go to lunch with Oprah and are so witty, wise and entertaining.  Ms. Winfrey insists on creating a groundbreaking new show starring the two of us.Watch for the premier of “Finding yourself after the preschool years” coming to the Oxygen Network, Fall 2009.

Or, Oprah returns from a commercial break and says, “We have decided to surprise a mom in the audience and fulfill her lifelong fantasy. Mr. Rob Lowe is currently waiting in the green room to meet this unsuspecting redhead…” 

Or maybe – We make incredibly profound comments pertaining to our thoughts on motherhood while filming the show.  At the conclusion of the show, the executive producer pulls us aside and takes us to Ms. Winfrey’s beautifully decorated office.  We find Lady O anxiously awaiting our arrival.  Once she sees us, she immediately picks up her phone to make a call.  We quickly realize, the phone is no ordinary phone.  She is speaking on her “O-phone” which is the direct line from Oprah to Obama.

Oprah places a call to her friend, First Lady Obama, and informs Michelle, “I have two very intelligent women here who should head a task force for your husband.  They have proven their problem solving and negotiation skills in numerous real life situations.  They have conquered the early years with challenging toddlers. These two women, who by the way don’t look a day over 33, are the perfect candidates to solve the current economic and political problems facing our country.” 

Back to reality.  Things don’t happen as discussed above.  However, don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is the highlight of my trip to Chicago was having my first post-kids girls trip.

Hands down best part of the trip – feeling like a little kid who is having a sleepover with her best friend.

My BFF and I did not sleep well because of the excitement of the trip.   From our separate “heavenly beds” at the Westin in Chicago, we both woke up at approximately 3 am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  We began speculating about the day ahead of us and giggling like 12-year-old girls about something we both had said. (I would share it on this blog but it was in very poor taste!)

Truly, even though this story will not end in some exciting new Hollywood career for either of us, we had an amazing experience because of the show.

And really, fame would just ruin my life.

One of my favorite things to do is to run alone in my suburban neighborhood.  I run without a care in the world for those wonderful 58 minutes.  If I became the newest celeb, I would have to worry about the paparazzi following me on my run and taking secret video of me singing to “Proud Mary” when I think no one can hear me…. 

So, back to the studio…

BFF and I watch the crowd for a few minutes and absorb the moment.

We are seated in the front of the studio.  There are four rows of seats in our section.  Each row is approximately 10 or 12 seats across .  We are in the center of the third row, which places us exactly at eye level for the chair in which Oprah will be seated.

Behind us are four large sections of seats for the rest of the audience.  It is clear we are sitting in the highly coveted seats, which were even more special because they had been reserved just for us.

The remaining studio seats quickly fill with excited fans.

We watch as producers and other crew members set up various equipment and check lighting.

A woman named Sally Lou enters the studio bursting with energy.  She is Oprah’s audience coordinator.   Sally Lou proceeds to give us some information about today’s show.  The show is planned to be called “Secret Lives of Moms”.  Everyone in the audience – except two unfortunate husbands who were dragged along – is a mom.

To get the energy in the studio going, Sally Lou asks if anyone in the audience would like to share a funny “mom story”.  Surprisingly, it takes a while for anyone to volunteer a story.  Sally Lou is very friendly and outgoing and soon a few women feel comfortable enough to raise their hands.

Unfortunately, the stories being told are not that interesting, exciting or funny.  It is a bit painful to listen to these well-meaning women tell long-winded stories about their children.  Still Sally Lou successfully feigns amusement.  I don’t know who I feel worse for – Sally Lou or the storyteller.

At this point, I know this is my chance if I want to impress the “Oprah people” with my great storytelling ability.  However, I don’t have a specific story to tell. 
There is so much humor in life with children.  Everyday is a new Larry David episode and  I continually see potential Saturday Night Live skits in my casual interactions with people.  My kids are very funny even when they are completely and utterly aggravating.  I am convinced I would have a successful reality show if someone just filmed us trying to get out the door in the morning or even a few minutes of getting dinner on the table.

However, there is not a specific story to share.  No knee slapping, pants-splitting anecdote.

I contemplate many different possibilities in my head and come to a conclusion.  I will not speak just to be noticed.  I will wait until I have an opportunity to add something worthwhile to the conversation.

I am lost in thought as a long-winded woman continues her story of her breastfeeding woes.  I am somewhat relieved for this woman when I discover her story actual ends with a chuckle.  She could not get her son to agree to stop breastfeeding (there is so much wrong with that statement but not enough time in the world to dissect this woman’s parenting style).  In any case, she ends her story by explaining that she figured out a way to stop breastfeeding. 
She put band-aids over her nipples and told her son, “Mommies breasts are broke!”

Next, another long story involving a failed attempt at breaking the pacifier habit with a toddler.  In this story, the toddler keeps finding more pacifiers around the house and taunting the mother with the hidden pacifier bounty.  Oh, those sneaky toddlers… 

Sally Lou maintains her amused smile yet I would love to know what she is thinking.  I imagine she is at this very moment realizing the prior week’s show with Dr. Oz about IBS was still a step up from this.

In an attempt at moving the conversation along, Sally Lou asks which mom in the audience has the most children.   We discover there is a woman who just celebrated her 70^th birthday and has 13 grown children.  Everyone claps and looks to this woman with awe.  It obviously is impressive yet no one asks the real question.

WHY?

Why in the world did this woman choose to have 13 kids?  I am living very close to the edge with my small clan of 3 children, 2 dogs and 1 husband.

Why are we impressed with women who have so many kids?  Why do you never hear anyone say, “What the F were you thinking?”

I snap out of my thoughts because the next thing I hear is

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Oprah Winfrey!”

There she is.  We all stand and turn to see Oprah enter.

She looks great.  She has on a light green top with sequins and nice slacks.  Her hair is blown straight and flipped up at the bottom.  Andre, the hairstylist, quickly follows to touch up the hair.

I stare at Oprah intently.  She walks past my row and sits in her chair only a couple of yards away from me.

I stare intently and I stare and I stare.  I watch and wait for the sparkles.

I wait to notice the glow.

I am expecting to feel the butterflies I felt when I would run into Jimmy Cavanaugh in the halls of Arvida Junior High, circa 1984.

The butterflies do not tickle my insides.

The feeling is not there.

The few times I have seen celebrities in person, the same thing always happens.  Disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, Oprah looked amazing.  She looked exactly as I imagined.  She was friendly.  She smiled at me.  She was talkative with the audience.

Yet, seeing her in person felt a lot like running into the Manager of my favorite Publix supermarket.  “I know who you are because I see your picture all the time but you don’t know me.”
I always expect to feel magic when I see a celebrity.  Yet, the presence of a celebrity never feels any different than seeing anyone else you know.

I long for celebrity sightings to mimic a scene from the 1987 movie, “Date with an Angel”.  ( I was a teen in the 80s so please understand many of my references are going to involve cheesy 80s movies.)

Whenever the angel played by the stunning Emmanuelle Beart appears, she sparkles and glows. 
The “GLOW” is what I expect when I see a celebrity.  I expect them to sparkle and glow.

Celebrities are just people and they don’t sparkle and they don’t glow.   We build them up in our minds and we forget they are made of the same genetic material as the rest of us.

You know the saying, “Everyone Poops!” Yuck.

I stop myself before I start to picture Oprah in that awkward (yet completely natural) situation.

I turn to BFF. I wonder if she is looking for the sparkles as well.  One thing I do know, she is definitely not imagining Oprah going poo.

Oprah sits and turns to the audience.

She begins speaking by telling us about her hair.  She says Andre wanted to do it straight but it took all day.  She explains she has “negro hair” (her words, not mine) and that it takes much longer to get straight than any “white woman’s hair” (again her words, not mine).  Her hair does look pretty but she does not seem thrilled with her hair – or in general.  She actually seems quite distracted and not the Oprah I expected to see.

In spite of Oprah’s demeanor, I am more focused on determining  where I can find an “Andre”.  I want him to come to my house and decide my hair should be straight on any given day.  If he wants to blow dry it, he can make it straight everyday!  Really, if I had “Oprah money”, there are two things I would have.  One, my own personal hair assistant who would blow dry my hair and also play with it whenever I wanted him too – and of course, he would need to look just like Rob Lowe.  Two, someone to put away all my groceries and clean, cut and organize my produce so it was ready to cook with whenever I wanted.  No more cutting onions for me.

Oops, I digress again.

Back to Harpo studios.

Oprah thanks us for coming.  She tells us we all look great.  I bet she says that to all the girls.

She jokes about having a staff (or maybe she says “people”) that dresses her.  She tells her adoring crowd she remembers when she used to have to dress herself and coordinate her own outfits.  She commiserates with us remembering how much work it is to be in charge of your own closet and clothing selections.

I wonder how that happens.  At what point of success do you stop doing everything for yourself?

Is it overnight?  Do you pick out what pajamas you are going to wear on Tuesday night  and then on Wednesday morning you wake up to an outfit already selected for you?

Or, does it start gradually?  First your assistant buys your shoes for you.  The next week she selects the right lipstick color from Mac for you.  Then, in the blink of an eye, there are committee meetings being planned by your staff in order to determine whether to stock your bathroom cabinets with Kotex or Tampax.

Oprah attempts to engage the audience in a bit of small talk as the final adjustments are being made on the lighting and the screens are set up around the studio.

We already know the show is about motherhood.

Oprah tells us the screens will be filled with women “Skype-ing” into the show from around the country.  Women around me nervously attempt to speak to “O”.  Someone asks about the new puppy, Sadie.  Oprah lights up a bit when talking about her puppy.  Believe it or not, the conversation quickly leads to what the puppy’s poo looks like.  Is it healthy?  Does it look okay?

Oprah tells us she finally understands why new mothers are concerned about their baby’s poo because she is worried about her puppy’s poo.

I realize having puppies is the closest experience she has had or most likely will ever have with being a mother.

I do not judge Oprah for this lack of experience.  While I don’t always understand it, I have so much admiration for women who realize having children cannot fit into their life and therefore do not become a mom just because it is expected of them.  Making a conscious decision not to be a parent is an incredibly “unpopular” decision in society.  However, for many, like Oprah, it may be the right decision.

While many women are able to find the delicate balance between having a career and motherhood, it seems highly unlikely a woman could be as successful as Oprah and still have time to be a mom.  For this reason, I do feel it is a selfless decision for her to remain childless.  She could easily have children and have them raised by nannies but she chooses not to.  For this, I have a tremendous amount of respect for the woman.

I do find the situation ironic at the moment.  It could easily be argued Oprah is one of the most powerful people in the world today.  She may not be an elected or appointed leader of a nation.  However, she can influence millions of women with a simple sentence on her show.

If Oprah casually mentions  “I only eat Frosted Flakes for breakfast”, there would suddenly be a shortage of Tony the Tiger in every supermarket across the country.

She once told her viewers most women are wearing the wrong size bra.  If we research the stock activity the following day, I am confident we will find Victoria Secret’s stock immediately soared as women across the country fled to purchase new bras.

Yet with all her influence, education, knowledge and power, here we sit with more understanding than she.

Hundreds of women are in the studio from towns throughout the country.   There is no doubt every single one of us is more knowledgeable than Oprah regarding one very important subject.

Motherhood.

This show seems to be a struggle for Oprah.  She does not seem to have the typical enthusiasm she has when discussing other topics.   Not only can she NOT relate to the topic, it is really not a very important or groundbreaking show.

She actually seems a little uninterested.
Can I really blame her?

Her usual show contains topics, which can motivate large groups of people to change their lives and improve the world as a whole.

This show, while entertaining to moms, is a bit of fluff.  We can say it many different ways and in the form of many different funny stories.

 

Overall theme of this show:

“Having kids can be wonderful, fulfilling and magical.  However, on most days, raising kids can be a real pain in the butt!” 

The same theme is told in many different ways.

Women tell stories about their “challenges” with their kids.  One woman confesses to peeing in a diaper while driving on a long road trip because she did not want to stop the car and wake her kids.  Another woman complains of sagging boobs.  Yet another mourns the loss of her sex drive post baby.

Oprah continually says the same thing in response.

“Didn’t you know that was part of having kids?”

“Weren’t you aware of what you had to give up when you became a mom?”

Again, I find it interesting when I realize this about Oprah.  This very powerful woman who has the ability to change the world with her influence and her financial means, does not “get it”.  She does not understand why we are complaining.

Actually, what she really does not understand is that we are NOT complaining.

Moms are venting – not complaining.

The most important and therapeutic act women can do to support each other is to vent to each other and be honest about what it is really like to be a mom.

 

Because Oprah is not a mom, she cannot understand this very important concept.

When I was contacted by Oprah’s producer about being part of the show, I was so excited.  Of course, I was excited about being on Oprah but there was more to it.

I am always disappointed when women I come across “fake it” when talking about being a mom.  I have said this already but I it is worth repeating.

If your kids don’t drive you crazy, you do not spend enough time with them.  Or, you are under the influence of pharmaceuticals. 

I previously would be so frustrated when I would talk to “my life is so wonderful and my kids are perfect angels and my husband is the center of my universe” moms at birthday parties or the playground.  At this point in my life, I realize those women are the ones who are most troubled and feel the need to project a perfect image.  I find it much more freeing to be honest.
I love my kids and on most days I would tell you I have a great supportive husband.  However, there are also days in which all I want to do is lock myself in my room, tune out the world and watch hour after hour of brainless television like “Real Housewives of NYC” and “Big Love”.

Even on the worst days, I still consider myself a good mom.  I am proud that I spend too much time with my kids.  It would be so much easier to pay someone else to put up with the tantrums and the complaining.  This could lead to another blog but I will save that for another day so I can finish my Oprah story.

Back to the show.

The overall show did not follow the path I had hoped and therefore I didn’t feel I had anything worthwhile to add.  Yes, for once in my life, I kept my thoughts to myself.  I refused to talk just to be on TV.  I spoke to Oprah for a moment during a commercial break and made a comment, which she repeated on the show.

When the show begins, Oprah stands in front of a very large screen in the studio and says something like “behind me are 14 women who have the huge task of raising the future of this country”.  I am one of the moms behind her.

When the show airs, look for me in the top left corner of the “14 women”.  There I am, standing in my kitchen in the middle of suburbia.  It is a continuous feed of me talking without sound. You will not hear what I am saying because you hear Oprah talking.  That was part of the 60 minutes of tape, which I was asked to send for the show.

I was only watching myself up there for less than a minute.  Still, it was strange to be sitting in the audience looking up at myself talking nonstop.

I turned to BFF and said, “I get it.  Now, I know what life is like from your point of view – watching me talk and talk and talk.”

When the show returns from each commercial break, there is a bit of video from some of the 14 moms who are featured.

The producers did use a teeny tiny bit of me in one small clip.  However, it is not my most interesting material.  The question I was answering was about funny things we have done in a crisis.  I was asked to answer so many other great questions and had what I thought were so many more interesting things to share with America.  That is the one they picked?  I guess that is what they mean when they say, “that’s showbiz kid.”

Here are the questions I answered on my video:

1.   No one ever told me…

2.   The worst thing I have ever done as a mom is…

3.   Do you use bribery with your children?

4.   How has your sex life changed after having kids?

5.   What’s your most embarrassing moment as a mom?

6.   What corners do you cut as a mom to save time, money, sanity?

7.   What are your tricks of the trade?

8.   What are mom’s so critical of one another?

9.   What were you told about motherhood that is not at all true?

10. How have you changed as a woman after becoming a mom?

11. What are some of the funniest things you’ve done in a crisis?

12.  In what ways are you NOT parent material?

As you can imagine, I had SO MUCH to say.  Luckily, I wrote much of it down to help make the video.  So, even though the execs at Harpo did not choose to use my thoughts for the show, I now have enough thoughts to use as a beginning of my book – if I ever write one.

I am not sure if I will ever find time to write more than a long blog entry but this show definitely inspired me to do more.  This experience also taught me that what I really need is a good publicist if I ever want to go farther with my writing – yet another story for another day.

So, all in all, it was a great experience.  I was able to find the nerve to get on an airplane without my kids and be farther than walking distance from them.  I discovered there would not be a national disaster just because I left my kids overnight.  My BFF and I had a day and a half of fun in the windy city.  We had an amazing dinner at N9NE and now I am searching the Internet for the recipe for the amazing Black Cod Miso. And, the icing on the cake, we found great boots at Bloomingdale’s on Michigan – on SALE!

And of course, we got to meet Oprah up close and realize she is just another person like any of us – just with a lot more money, power and a great hairdresser.

As of right now, I do not know the date the show will air but I am assuming it will air early next week.  The show features Cheryl Hines promoting a new ABC sitcom called “In the Motherhood”.  The show will premiere next Thursday, March 26.  Therefore, the Oprah show we taped has to air sometime before then.

Thanks for reading!

It is time for me to go back to being a mom.  My children have not aggravated me today so I guess it goes without saying, I haven’t spent much time with them yet.  I am off to Publix with them right now , which as you can imagine will guarantee lots of aggravation.

Finally, please know – even though this “almost brush with fame” resulted in only a girls trip to Chicago and a free Flip HD camera, I still get to be a mom to my 3 crazy kids.

 Like every other mother in the world, in the eyes of my children, I am already a ROCK STAR!