“No, Honey. You can’t marry a chicken.”

Any honest mom will admit there are so many surprises discovered once you have children.  So many things no one ever told you to expect.   One of the most surprising revelations is how funny life becomes when the majority of your days are spent with people who are not old enough to sit in an airbag-equipped seat. 

My life is funny.  My kids are funny – even when I am so furious or frustrated with them I can’t possibly see the humor at that very moment.  Deep down there is always a part of me who is recording this moment to laugh about it in the future.

And thus, I am funny when I am with my kids.  Our conversations are funny and very diverse.  One minute I am hearing a detailed report about a newly conquered level on the latest Wii game.  The next moment, my 11 year old is once again asking me why communism doesn’t work.  (Seriously, my son is so honest and fair in his thinking he doesn’t understand why people can’t just walk into a grocery store and take only what they need.  He cannot wrap his mind around the concept that many people are greedy and it would never be fair in the end.  In his mind, he would only take what he needed and leave the rest for the next person.  Thus, we have actually had the ‘communism may work in theory but not actuality’ conversation more than once.  Of course, the conversation also always includes me reminding my son, “Please don’t say this in front of your Grandfather who fled Cuba in 1960 when Castro first took power.  It may be just a little bit upsetting for him to know someone who shares his DNA would ever consider communism to be anything but a horrific idea.”)

Yes!  Life with my children is very much like your experience reading this blog.  One minute I am writing about thongs and breast implants and the next moment, I may be giving you my opinions regarding different types of governments.

Back to the humor of life with kids.  

On our way home from school today, I acknowledged one more of my own revelations about being a mom.

“When you are a mom, you find yourself speaking sentences you never imagined yourself saying.”

I am sure all moms can relate.  When you have toddlers, it may be:

•  Please don’t lick the handle of the grocery cart
• That is a breadstick, not a weapon
• No, mommy’s pee-pee did not fall off. I never had one in the first place.
• Oh my G-d! I just changed my baby’s diaper and discovered that Chiquita banana stickers are not digestible.  They can go through the body of an 18 month old, come out whole and probably even still have the ability to stick to the skin of a banana!

Or in my own unique case,

• “Honey, give your Aunt back her pacifier and yes, you have to share your Matchbox cars with your Uncle.” (You see, I have two very young siblings – just like Tom Hanks’ character in the movie “You’ve Got Mail”.  For the entire back-story of that comment, click here to read one of my very first blogs!)

Fast forward to the elementary school years and like me, you may also one day hear yourself saying, “No honey, you cannot marry a chicken.”

Here is the story:

The kids and I were on the way home from school today.  We were listening to Sirius hits 1 which is supposed to be a child friendly station.  Translation:  When listening to my six-year old son’s favorite song, “Bad Girlfriend”, you will hear, “My girlfriend is a ____ magnet.” Thankfully, he thinks the word he is missing is “chick”.  He is almost correct – the real lyric rhymes with chick. 

Back to the station.  During the few seconds available to introduce the song, the DJ makes a statement about the legalization of gay marriage.  Yes, seriously.  There are so many things he could say in those few seconds of music intro.  Yet, he feels the need to make a dumb – though at least non-offensive – joke about gay marriage in Idaho. 

My preteen daughter innocently asks, “Are people born gay?”  

I am thrilled my daughter has asked this question at this moment.  On most school days at this exact time, I am usually giving some version of the same speech. 

“Please, please, please.  I can’t drive safely in this traffic if you are arguing because it is very distracting…  Give your brother back his DS…  No, you cannot have an iPhone… Because you are in kindergarten and just because you can read a “Magic Tree House” book on your own, that does not mean you are old enough to need a cell phone…  Yes, you do have to go to religious school today.  Sweetie, it is a rite of passage for every Jewish child to hate religious school…  Your brother loves you and that is why he wants to say hello and hug you when he sees you at school.  No, I am not going to tell him to stop.  Okay fine, how about you only hug your sister every third time you see her at school…” 

And of course, as these words are spilling out of my mouth, I am thinking, “Right now, I am feeling a little less judgmental of the moms who enjoyed their afternoon Quaaludes during the 1970s.”

Warning: Anyone reading this who feels very strongly against gay marriage might want to stop reading right here – come back tomorrow when I may once again be discussing something harmless like snobby suburban women or yesterday’s Oprah show.  Therefore, if you voted for Proposition 8, you probably are not going to like what I am teaching my children about equality.  So, this would be a great time to close this browser, leave your computer and catch up on all the back episodes of Rush Limbaugh you have stored on your Tivo.

Let’s get back to the rare moment in which I am fortunate to have an opportunity to teach my children something even more meaningful than the importance of regular flossing. 

12 year-old daughter asks:  Are people born gay?

Me:  Yes, honey.  People are born gay.  Just like I was born with red hair or you were born with great artistic abilities.  Some people are born gay.

11 year-old voice from the back seat asks: Then why is gay marriage illegal? Can you get arrested if you are gay? If you are gay and you get married, do you go to jail? What kind of jail do you go to?  Is it the same jail people go to if they steal something?  What food do you get in jail?  Can you watch TV in jail?  What is everyone wants to watch something different in jail?  Who gets to decide?…

Me:  No, you don’t go to jail.  It is just not recognized as a legal marriage.  You do not get the legal benefits of being married.  As I am saying the previous words, I am thinking the following:  Oy Vey.  Come on guys, I do not have the energy to get into a discussion on the legal benefits of being defined as “married” – health insurance benefits, tax breaks and the ability to make life and death medical decisions for your spouse in an emergency.  I liked this better when I was impressing the importance of equality to my children. 

Can’t we just accept we are all equal and we can sing Kumbaya the rest of the drive home? Why oh why does everything turn into an exhausting discussion, which at some point will culminate with someone telling someone else to “shut up” or “stop touching your boogers”?

Six year-old voice now asks: But what if a boy does get married to a boy? Will he go to jail?

Me:  No honey.  He won’t go to jail  He just can’t marry another boy.  Just like you can’t marry your sister.  The marriage would not be recognized. (now thinking: I wonder if some states do allow you to marry a sibling.  Let’s not go there.)

Six year-old:  Can you marry a chicken?

Me:  No honey, you can’t marry a chicken.

Six year-old:  That would be funny if you could marry a chicken and then eat it for dinner.

11 year-old: laughs

12 year-old: rolls her eyes at her brothers, her embarrassing mom and life in general

 

So this is what afternoon discussions entail when you are a mom.

One minute you are asking your children how much homework they have, what they want for dinner and what book they need from the library.

The next minute you may be discussing the pros and cons of socialized medicine, why you cannot sue Target because they are out of your favorite Nerf gun, pyramid scams or the mainstreaming of gay marriage.

Just remember, don’t get too excited the next time you get the opportunity to have a very deep and insightful conversation with your children.

In one moment you may be kvelling because your child is telling his brother,

“ I think when people die, they are here on Earth with us and they can see us but we can’t see them.”

And before you can even mentally process that thought, I am willing to bet you will be hearing:

“Tell him to stop putting his boogers on me.”